R.I.P. George Carlin

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
5. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
6. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
7. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
8. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
9. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
10. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
11. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
12. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
13. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
14. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
15. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
16. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
17. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
18. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
19. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
20. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
21. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
22. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
23. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.